I'm getting bored of the same vicious circle. I've been living in a life full of drama and lie. I hate it. I hate me, I hate myself. Sumtime I blame god. Sumtime I blame my parents. Sumtime I blame anybody else. And most of the time I blame myself for being like this.
This is not part of the plan. I always wanted to have answers for every single thing. I hate it when I do not have the answers. And I'm getting sick of thinking that sumtime it just messed up, and it wasnt the right answers for the questions that keep on bugging me. And i realize it was all wrong when by the time it was too late.
I still remember. Long long ago, when I was a kid and teenage. I hate it people feel sorry for me. So I end up not telling people what was on my mind, what was happening to me and family and life. I dealt everything on my own. Because I hate it when people said I do sympatize to what happened. I hate it sitting there and looking like I was very innocent and I cant do anything bcos I dont have the luck that a girl should have. I occasionally need to struggle everything I want more than anyone else. The problem is, I am not lucky.
Now, the pain is unbearble, U know, I used to proud of being me for the things I've done that shows I am hardworking by all means. I got what I want when I struggle. And now, even I struggle more than I should, the things keep on slipping from my damn fucking hand! For me this is not a test or trial in life. There is sumthing that stop my luck from getting her way straight to me. I shouldnt have got this. And I hate it when I do not get anything that I supposed I have right and deserve to have.
What is life? I seems cant find the answers. And is this life if everytime I woke up, thinking that what should I do now, and in shortwhile? I dont have plans anymore. Whats the relevant of having so much plans in life, or even one plan that eventually wont make any different? Coz the thing is, nowadays, I wont get anything I want. The plans keep on ruined.
Is this life if your daily schedule of life is not determined by u, but others? whats the use of having plans if it seems that I am not allowed having a plan at all?
Is this life, when everytime u wake up in the morning, u keep on saying, ok, what about now and what about after this?
Is this life, if the life of yours is control by others and u are not able to have and to enjoy every single air u breathe?
Is this life, if everyday u keep on saying what a loser day everytime u sneak in to your comforter trying to sleep and trying not to think at all what was happening?
Is this life, if u cant do anything to yourself and are not able to help the one needs u, not even yourself? Is this life if its pathetic in single way of living of life?
I can have a very long list of questions that nobody can answers. And I know I have no right to tell u and its very sinful when I said, i gave in this same circle and I gave up god, and I gave up everything..
There is only 1 good thing that has taught me very well. A lesson that no matter what happened, just stay on the ground, never dream, never plan, and accept that this is my life. I'm so down and I think i will go down like this no matter how hard I try to rise and to shine like a shining armour in my darkest life i used to be.
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