Why is it hurt now?
Why it has to be tonite to overwhelmed by everything over my past?
It hurts when I remember the day I met him
It hurts when I remember those day when I was very happy with them.
It hurts when the stupid mistake is letting go the right guy for a guy that ruined everything - life, frenship, loveship, relationship.
It hurts when today, is not the same day I woke up and breathe last year.
To feel that excitement even though it wasnt the best day of my life, but I woke up with hope and smile. Today, I woke with a hopeless spirit. Very hopeless.
There is nothing that can make me smile and not even close to that.
It hurts when 9 days is not enough to fix everything before the date.
It hurts when I cant please myself and make myself happy when the birthday is coming.
A birthday should be very personal
It's not about how wondering many wishes, how many presents, how many busy people -frens and families are text-ing u once in a year.
It's not about them..
It's about u, yourself
The achievement in life
The mission and vision to bring to the next chapter of life path
The spirits and happy moments..
The happiness to remember, the sadness to leave behind
But when all the sadness should just leave behind, and happiness is merely null, then I feel like I'm in a black hole. Nothing. No air, no gravitiy, no momentum, just me and the blackhole.
I just need a blaze of hope to lead me to the path
I just wish for a miracle to succumb all the nulls and sadness
I wish.. :(
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
darkside 2 - life is not about what we want
A fren told me, life is not about what we want, but it is about what we going through. Take it, or leave it.
This is one of the questions and i need the solution.
In my situation, I cant leave it, I have to take it.
Running away from problems is not a smart solution for me in this problem.
This is not a simple problem as simple as when u dealing with your heart and emotion everytime u broke up. I know easily how to leave it when I'm mending my own broken heart when a relationship doesnt work as planned, or a beloved frens is backstabbing u, or anything related with emotions and hearts. And I am proud of myself on how I deal with it. Seems like my heart does obey what instruction my mind has given. But when my mind cant even gave any instruction, then everything is messed up specially when the heart is totally stupid and have no use at all when dealing with problems.
This is sumthing big that no matter how hard u try to runaway, and to forget what was happening they will keep on haunting u, in your sleep, at your conscious mind, anywhere anytime. No matter how good are u trying to fake the happiness and yes, u succeed, it wont change the inner self. Maybe it brings a very good lie to your presence and appearence, but believe me, when it comes to reality, only u know how it feels. U can lie u can fake anybody else, but the person that is hard to please is yourself.
U guys can read this the same thing. Coz obviously this blog will keep on asking and even if there is any answers, for me there is no perfect answers or right or wrong answers for that.. I need a solution instead.
Sumtime, I just want to runaway, to an isolated place where i can meet new people. Leaving all behind. leaving a dear family, frens and life here. Doesnt matter it is for better or worst life, I just want it brand new. See I told u that this is about my mindset. I am guilty for being like this. Everytime I fail to do one thing, I just throw it and have a brand new thing and start all over again. I do not try to fix it. Or maybe I do not try to fix it at all? I really dont know..
Sumtime I want to runaway and never return that one day when I came back everybody has forget about me, and the story of my life is varnished.. But does it works? I know it just makes thing go from bad to worst. That is not an achievement in life that I want. That atleast when I get old, I am proud of what I'm doing. That is no way I can proud of being me if I ever did that.
Seriously, I do not know what else and what path should I take to that life I want. Or atleast the life I'm having before. Show me, and I can be very thankful. Only the path and I know I can lead my own way.
This is one of the questions and i need the solution.
In my situation, I cant leave it, I have to take it.
Running away from problems is not a smart solution for me in this problem.
This is not a simple problem as simple as when u dealing with your heart and emotion everytime u broke up. I know easily how to leave it when I'm mending my own broken heart when a relationship doesnt work as planned, or a beloved frens is backstabbing u, or anything related with emotions and hearts. And I am proud of myself on how I deal with it. Seems like my heart does obey what instruction my mind has given. But when my mind cant even gave any instruction, then everything is messed up specially when the heart is totally stupid and have no use at all when dealing with problems.
This is sumthing big that no matter how hard u try to runaway, and to forget what was happening they will keep on haunting u, in your sleep, at your conscious mind, anywhere anytime. No matter how good are u trying to fake the happiness and yes, u succeed, it wont change the inner self. Maybe it brings a very good lie to your presence and appearence, but believe me, when it comes to reality, only u know how it feels. U can lie u can fake anybody else, but the person that is hard to please is yourself.
U guys can read this the same thing. Coz obviously this blog will keep on asking and even if there is any answers, for me there is no perfect answers or right or wrong answers for that.. I need a solution instead.
Sumtime, I just want to runaway, to an isolated place where i can meet new people. Leaving all behind. leaving a dear family, frens and life here. Doesnt matter it is for better or worst life, I just want it brand new. See I told u that this is about my mindset. I am guilty for being like this. Everytime I fail to do one thing, I just throw it and have a brand new thing and start all over again. I do not try to fix it. Or maybe I do not try to fix it at all? I really dont know..
Sumtime I want to runaway and never return that one day when I came back everybody has forget about me, and the story of my life is varnished.. But does it works? I know it just makes thing go from bad to worst. That is not an achievement in life that I want. That atleast when I get old, I am proud of what I'm doing. That is no way I can proud of being me if I ever did that.
Seriously, I do not know what else and what path should I take to that life I want. Or atleast the life I'm having before. Show me, and I can be very thankful. Only the path and I know I can lead my own way.
darkside 1 - intro
I'm getting bored of the same vicious circle. I've been living in a life full of drama and lie. I hate it. I hate me, I hate myself. Sumtime I blame god. Sumtime I blame my parents. Sumtime I blame anybody else. And most of the time I blame myself for being like this.
This is not part of the plan. I always wanted to have answers for every single thing. I hate it when I do not have the answers. And I'm getting sick of thinking that sumtime it just messed up, and it wasnt the right answers for the questions that keep on bugging me. And i realize it was all wrong when by the time it was too late.
I still remember. Long long ago, when I was a kid and teenage. I hate it people feel sorry for me. So I end up not telling people what was on my mind, what was happening to me and family and life. I dealt everything on my own. Because I hate it when people said I do sympatize to what happened. I hate it sitting there and looking like I was very innocent and I cant do anything bcos I dont have the luck that a girl should have. I occasionally need to struggle everything I want more than anyone else. The problem is, I am not lucky.
Now, the pain is unbearble, U know, I used to proud of being me for the things I've done that shows I am hardworking by all means. I got what I want when I struggle. And now, even I struggle more than I should, the things keep on slipping from my damn fucking hand! For me this is not a test or trial in life. There is sumthing that stop my luck from getting her way straight to me. I shouldnt have got this. And I hate it when I do not get anything that I supposed I have right and deserve to have.
What is life? I seems cant find the answers. And is this life if everytime I woke up, thinking that what should I do now, and in shortwhile? I dont have plans anymore. Whats the relevant of having so much plans in life, or even one plan that eventually wont make any different? Coz the thing is, nowadays, I wont get anything I want. The plans keep on ruined.
Is this life if your daily schedule of life is not determined by u, but others? whats the use of having plans if it seems that I am not allowed having a plan at all?
Is this life, when everytime u wake up in the morning, u keep on saying, ok, what about now and what about after this?
Is this life, if the life of yours is control by others and u are not able to have and to enjoy every single air u breathe?
Is this life, if everyday u keep on saying what a loser day everytime u sneak in to your comforter trying to sleep and trying not to think at all what was happening?
Is this life, if u cant do anything to yourself and are not able to help the one needs u, not even yourself? Is this life if its pathetic in single way of living of life?
I can have a very long list of questions that nobody can answers. And I know I have no right to tell u and its very sinful when I said, i gave in this same circle and I gave up god, and I gave up everything..
There is only 1 good thing that has taught me very well. A lesson that no matter what happened, just stay on the ground, never dream, never plan, and accept that this is my life. I'm so down and I think i will go down like this no matter how hard I try to rise and to shine like a shining armour in my darkest life i used to be.
This is not part of the plan. I always wanted to have answers for every single thing. I hate it when I do not have the answers. And I'm getting sick of thinking that sumtime it just messed up, and it wasnt the right answers for the questions that keep on bugging me. And i realize it was all wrong when by the time it was too late.
I still remember. Long long ago, when I was a kid and teenage. I hate it people feel sorry for me. So I end up not telling people what was on my mind, what was happening to me and family and life. I dealt everything on my own. Because I hate it when people said I do sympatize to what happened. I hate it sitting there and looking like I was very innocent and I cant do anything bcos I dont have the luck that a girl should have. I occasionally need to struggle everything I want more than anyone else. The problem is, I am not lucky.
Now, the pain is unbearble, U know, I used to proud of being me for the things I've done that shows I am hardworking by all means. I got what I want when I struggle. And now, even I struggle more than I should, the things keep on slipping from my damn fucking hand! For me this is not a test or trial in life. There is sumthing that stop my luck from getting her way straight to me. I shouldnt have got this. And I hate it when I do not get anything that I supposed I have right and deserve to have.
What is life? I seems cant find the answers. And is this life if everytime I woke up, thinking that what should I do now, and in shortwhile? I dont have plans anymore. Whats the relevant of having so much plans in life, or even one plan that eventually wont make any different? Coz the thing is, nowadays, I wont get anything I want. The plans keep on ruined.
Is this life if your daily schedule of life is not determined by u, but others? whats the use of having plans if it seems that I am not allowed having a plan at all?
Is this life, when everytime u wake up in the morning, u keep on saying, ok, what about now and what about after this?
Is this life, if the life of yours is control by others and u are not able to have and to enjoy every single air u breathe?
Is this life, if everyday u keep on saying what a loser day everytime u sneak in to your comforter trying to sleep and trying not to think at all what was happening?
Is this life, if u cant do anything to yourself and are not able to help the one needs u, not even yourself? Is this life if its pathetic in single way of living of life?
I can have a very long list of questions that nobody can answers. And I know I have no right to tell u and its very sinful when I said, i gave in this same circle and I gave up god, and I gave up everything..
There is only 1 good thing that has taught me very well. A lesson that no matter what happened, just stay on the ground, never dream, never plan, and accept that this is my life. I'm so down and I think i will go down like this no matter how hard I try to rise and to shine like a shining armour in my darkest life i used to be.
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